THE FUNNIES ON LIFE
18 January 2007My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God, and I didn’t.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: Before
marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive,
they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. “Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual
experience inpicking lemons?” “Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied.?
“I’ve been divorced three times.”
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old
man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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Reason Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the
same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the
sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart
piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the
woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six
items would you like to buy?” Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45
minutes.” They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father
and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with
ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away
in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?” Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a
wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.” Eugene
commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of
God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.” Al said: “I’d like them to
say, “Look, he’s moving!”
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.” Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean
to you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.” Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?” The Lord
replies, “In a minute.”
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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps
with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy What do you think I should
do?”"Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry’s bar?”
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request,
dear,” he said. “Of course, John,” his wife said softly. “Six months after I
die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob.” “But I thought you hated Bob,” she
said. With his last breath John said, “I do!”
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it.” The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?” The man
replied, “My wife is poisoning me.” The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,
“How can that be?” The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s
poisoning me, what should I do?”The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me
talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I
spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?” The man said yes
and the Rabbi! replied, “Take the poison.”
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